Releasing the weight from my shoulders.

For those of you who have known me for quite a long time, you know that I don't give a crap about the way I look.  I mean, for the longest time my outfit everyday was: T-Shirt, Cargo Pants, and Flip Flops.  Any day, any season.  If I felt different, maybe I would wear a Polo, but otherwise, same style everyday.  I also never really cared about what people thought about me, however, like everyone else I would be grateful and appreciate praise when I received it.  But for the most part, I didn't care.  Now this may be due to the fact that I used to be bullied in elementary school, and I stopped caring as a defense mechanism, or I am so confident that I don't really have self-esteem issues.  Whatever the case, I will say that in all honesty, I may have just been lying or deceiving myself.

I am a pretty large guy.  Ever since I moved to Taiwan from Japan, in 2003, I kinda started getting fat. Now Taiwanese food is pretty amazing, but my school also had tons of sweet drinks, and in middle school, I used to eat french fries and tater tots everyday after school....and so on and so forth.  My parents were always worried that I would become like my dad and weigh 100kg by the time I got to senior year of highschool.  Sadly, I broke that record by the time I was either in sophomore or junior year.  At my highest, I weighed probably 120-125 kg (265-275lb).  I am a pretty large guy, and I knew that. I knew because I started wearing XXL by the time I was in sophomore year, or I had to get new suits for MUN.  I knew I was a big guy.  Yet I deluded myself, I shielded myself and lived a lifestyle where I purposefully wore clothes to not draw attention, to block any potential hurtful comments.

This all culminates to this summer.  After alot of talks and conversations, it was time for a significant lifestyle change.  After about 2-3 years of no consistent exercise, I began working out with my uncle, who is a personal trainer at the American Club in China (ACC).  I was also taken to a nutritionist by my mother and was put on a somewhat relatively stringent diet over the summer.  Keep in mind, when I was in lower and middle school, I used to swim regularly, till about 8-9th grade when I quit.  However, this lifestyle change was definitely different, and tough.  I began working out 4 times a week at ACC, doing exercises that my uncle would prescribe to me each week during our appointments.  All of my effort was going to that, while I put in somewhat, if bare minimum in my diet.  I'll tell you, it worked somewhat.  I dropped about 3-4 kg, and I felt better.  Then things changed.  School was starting again, so I went back to the US a month before school started.

No gym, no nutritionist, no workout. I lied to my parents whenever they would ask if I was doing my non-weight workouts over the summer.  I just had no motivation.  I still watched what I ate, but I didn't even really care about what my nutritionist said.  Fast-forward to school starting, and I began once again working out.  4 times a week.  I have missed 1 week and 2 sessions in the 7-8 weeks I've been in school, but I've been on track.  I've increased weights, worked harder, and I am feeling great.  Going to the gym is not so much of a chore but a habit.

Now you might be wondering, where is this leading to?   Well today, I had to go workout, and I haven't done laundry in a while so I was left with one option for workout clothes.  This relatively tight-fitting polyester (?) TAS Athletics shirt that my parents got me when they sent me a care-package a couple weeks back.  Now, when I first wore this shirt, I was like: "Nope. Too tight, it just makes me look big, this is going to the back of my drawer and never seeing the light of day."  Today, I think, I truly did not care, or felt confident enough to wear this shirt to workout. Granted, my belly looks kinda big in it, but it felt good.  I think I've come to a point where I recognize the necessity of what I am doing, and also recognize that people are there for me.  I shouldn't have to shield myself or protect myself from hurtful comments.  I should work towards bettering my body, becoming healthy and living a life where I am glorifying God by making sure that my body, my temple of worship, is good enough for him.  I will say I don't have self-esteem issues, but I know that I'm not ready for XL size clothes just yet. I guess writing this literally feels like a "weight" is off my shoulders, pun intended.

Now some of you may be asking, what do you weigh now?  Well at the time of this post I weight 117kg which is roughly 258lbs.  I currently workout 4 times a week, and have recently internally celebrated a milestone where I deadlift 4x12 100lbs.  I ask, if you can, to pray for continued strength and motivation as I continue to work to become healthy.

You can't see it, but my belly pops out.